Courtship vs. Dating

"Heather, how would you like to go to a movie Saturday night?" Our daughter hesitated. Although she didn't know the young man standing before her in the college student union, she wouldn't accept his offer- at least not yet. Instead his inquiry needed to be directed to her father. Would the young man be offended or think she was some kind of weirdo? Heather mustered her resolve. "Well," she said, "I would really prefer that you talked with my dad first." Then, without giving the fellow a chance to respond, Heather made a beeline for her dormitory. I'm never going to hear from this guy again, she thought. In fact, I'm going to be the laughingstock of the campus.

Early Beginnings

Heather, the oldest of our four children, has been a willing participant in our family decision to dispense with the dating game. The decision may seem hopelessly old-fashioned to you, but our choice grew partly out of personal experience; as teenagers ourselves, we had encountered some of the drawbacks and dangers of dating. When I (Anne) dated, my heart became emotionally tied to my steady, which created wounds of rejection that lasted for years. We wanted something better for our children.

One of the best ways we've found to do that is courtship. Courtship can mean different things in different circles, but for our family it means that if a young man wants to date one of our daughters, he contacts the father and asks to take the daughter out. (Of course, the mother can take this role in families where the father is not available.)

At this very first meeting or phone call, the father explains that the family believes in courtship, which means that the young man must be spiritually and financially prepared to marry her if they fall in love. Otherwise, don't even bother starting a relationship. There are no casual "tryouts" in courtship. (As for our sons, they know they must meet the same guidelines before they can begin courting a young woman.)

Since courtship is reserved only for young couples spiritually and financially ready for marriage, this effectively means no courtship or dating during the high school years, and perhaps not until after college graduation.

Before we heard about courtship, the advice we received from many Christian friends was to allow our children to date once they reached their 16th birthday. Thus, when our twin sons, Ned and Drew, turned 16 they began closely observing the dating scene. When they saw the broken hearts and hurt feelings following the latest school break-ups, they believed there had to be a better way to protect their emotions while learning to be friends with the opposite sex.

The boys prayed long and hard about the situation. Finally, with Ned leading the way, he decided he would not date until he met the girl he thought he would marry--and then only when he was prepared to support her. This decision stemmed from having been trained by us to follow the Lord wholeheartedly.

Ned's conclusion--which took place before our family embraced the concept of courtship--will seem radical to some. Likewise, Heather's story at the beginning of this article may seem like a story from the 1890's, especially for today's young people in their collegiate years. Indeed, the fellow who wanted to go out with Heather did call our home, but after hearing Jim's explanation of courtship, he opted not to pursue the relationship.

That incident happened nearly six years ago. Since then, we have continued to practice courtship and, as parents with four adult children in their 20's, we have seen some very encouraging results, including their desire to be available to the Lord. Before you dismiss the idea as impractical, outmoded or just plain weird, take some time--as we did--to weigh the benefits of courtship against the drawbacks of dating.

Courtship vs. Dating

We believe courtship has physical, emotional and spiritual safeguards over dating. For starters, dating can be a set-up for divorce. The current thinking goes like this: If I like this guy (or girl), I'll go out with him a few times. If it doesn't work out, we can always break up. It simply does not make sense to train for a long-term marriage by pursuing what all too often is a series of short-term relationships.

Even in a lasting marriage, the baggage left over from previous dating relationships can be frustrating and painful. As Christian parents, we talk a lot about sexual abstinence, but what we would also keep in mind is the need for emotional abstinence.

Dating, by its very nature, opens the door to heartache and disappointment. Courtship, on the other hand, is a process by which young people can get to know and enjoy one another while maintaining their physical and emotional integrity.

Courtship also offers practical benefits. For one thing, bringing Dad into the picture takes the responsibility for saying yes or no to a relationship off a daughter's shoulders. If Heather is not interested in a young man, I (Jim) can break the news gently without damaging their friendship or the young man's walk with Christ.

Perhaps the biggest benefit of courtship is that it also allows us, as a family, to better understand the person interested in one of our children. Dating waves goodbye at the door and says "Be home by midnight," whereas courtship includes time spent with the entire family. In our home, a young man interested in Heather or Catharine is apt to find himself playing basketball with Ned and Drew, or helping out in the kitchen after dinner.

How does courtship work?

While the benefits of courtship are intriguing, folks may balk at changing the way they've looked at relationship building between the sexes. Dating, as it has evolved in the 20th century, is readily accepted and understood. It seems"normal," but is it?

Courtship, on the other hand, introduces a different set of guidelines and behaviour patterns. If a young man is interested in a young woman, he starts by praying about the relationship. With a go-ahead from the Lord and his parents, he then approaches the girl's parents. The parents pray and, if the young woman has a reciprocal interest in the young man, her father talks through courtship and its expectations with the fellow.

Before a young man and woman actually begin courting, the girl's father and the interested fellow spend time getting to know one another. This relationship may be built through shared activities or--in cases where the two do not live near one another-through letters and telephone calls.

As we prayed about God's choice of a spouse for each of our children, we have focused on five areas of personal development that we feel are critically important--both in development that w feel are critically important--both in our children and in their future mates. Each person should demonstrate spiritual depth, a strong biblical character, financial responsibility, sexual and emotional purity, and the ability to lead a simple, practical life.

Courtship activities may include a family missions trip, prison ministry, or similar service-oriented endeavors. The idea is to give the young couple an opportunity to spiritually mature as they fulfill God's call on their lives. Other activities--from family games to neighborhood walks--can shape and reveal a person's character, responsibility and resourcefulness. By allowing for this practical and productive time together, courtship enables a young couple to look beyond physical attraction to focusing on things that are truly important.

Catharine, our youngest, said it best when she described courtship as a way of "training my heart, my eyes, my thoughts and my emotions on becoming like Christ." Since courtship provides relational guidelines and boundaries for young couples, Catharine maintains that the process allows her to "concentrate my energies on doing what God wants me to do, rather than on what I want to do."

Will you pray about it?

When we began our courtship experiment, we had no idea what to expect. We've experienced challenges--like the time one of our children became seriously interested in a person who, we later realized, was not the right choice in God's eyes . Looking back, though, we can count more than a few blessings that have grown out of our commitment to courtship. When Heather realized that the courtship concept could work, even on a college campus, she told us, "Hey, guys are actually going for this stuff!"

As we've practiced courtship, our family has enjoyed more rewards than we would have ever dreamed possible. So far, none of our children (ages 20 through 25) is married, but we aren't worried, since we know God has a plan for their lives. We also know plenty of families where courtship has been successful.

But like so many things that we've tried or experienced as a family, courtship had brought us together in laughter and in tears, and it has encouraged us to pray. We pray for our family as a whole, for each individual family member, and for each of our children's prospective spouses, as God prepares them for marriage.

No matter how old your children are, or how many years they may have before dating becomes an issue, we want to encourage you to take time to pray specifically about this subject. This article may be your first exposure to the concept of courtship. On the other hand, you may know far more than what we've presented here.

Either way, ask the Lord to show you whether--and how--you should participate in the courtship process. Our hope and prayer is that you, too, will know the joy this time in your children's lives can bring.

Jim Ryun is a former three-time Olympian and world-record holder in the mile. He and Ann, along with their adult children, operate Jim Ryun Ministries in Lawrence, Kan. The Ryuns were assisted in this article by Jodie Berndt of Atlanta.

Resources

Books

*Dating vs. Courtship by Paul Jehle (Plymouth Rock Foundation, call 800-210-1620)

*Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot (Revell, call 800-759-4569)

*Guidlines for Courtship and Preparation for Marriage by Jeff Barth (Parable Publishing House, call 802-462-2002)

For other books, videos and cassettes on courtship, contact the Courtship Connection, 3731 Cecelia, Toledo, OH 43608 or call 419-729-4594

Pamphlets

Available from Last Days Ministries (P.O. Box 40, Lindale, TX 75771, or call 903-963-8678):

* "In Search of Mr. Right" pamphlet No. 6

* "Modesty" No. 17

* "Training Your Child for Christ" No. 77

This article from Focus on the Family, November 1995, by Jim and Anne Ryun